Since I need an April post.

"What's your secret," they all ask. "How do you stay so fit and trim now that you no longer live in the fittest state in the country?"

Well folks it's quite simple to do really, as it's all in the diet. Cheerios. Boxed Wine. Daily.

When I get home after a hard days work, I make sure to start the early afternoon off right with a handful of O's washed down with a nice glass of Franzia Shiraz. This goes on until about 1 am. Then I get plenty of rest, wake up at 10, and it's off to work again.

My cholesterol level must be so low. But I think my bones are melting.

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It's so pretty! Wait, no, I meant bad-ass.